Fast-forward five years:
Hi, it's me, college sophomore. Wrapped up in life I forgot about this blog I started as a freshman in high school. My life is so different now but in so many ways the same. I had hoped that somewhere down the road my life would change. In some ways it did; I moved across the country to go to a huge University in the South, grew out of my shell, became more confident in myself, and started to grow into a person who I thought I'd always wanted to become. While all of these are great, I somehow imagined my life to be a bit different. Here is a little check list on how my life panned out.
Be admitted into my dream school? Check. Pick up hobbies that I swore I would never involve myself in? Check. Escape my family that made me feel suffocated and alone? Check. Feel guilty and regretful about missing my younger brother grow into a young man? Check. Move into my very own dream apartment and live like an adult? Check. Feel guilty and anxious about spending my parents' hard earned money for my own benefit? Check. Put in hours of blood, sweat, and tears of hard work towards my degree? Check. Fall behind in school and discover that all the positive encouragement and praise I received for being a good student when I was younger would set me up to be a disappointment and let down to myself and family? Check.
I currently am confused about a lot of things in life. I have worked so hard to obtain my goal of getting into Nursing school, only to find out that all of my hard work still is not enough. My hair is falling out and I'm gaining weight like a pregnant lady with cravings of something that could fill my empty stomach of hope. I long for the days of when I could relax about life and "live in the moment". Now my life has dwindled down to planning and re-planning how I'm going to survive as an adult and repay debt to my parents. I know, after multiple visits and breakdowns in my Nursing advising appointments, that I will not be able to get in to the program this summer. I have tried telling my parents subtly that I feel as though I am wasting their money and time and not succeeding at anything but they continue to obliviously tell me they know I can do it. It's what kills me--their strong support and belief that I will get in, their passion about how successful and bright my future will be.
They don't see the hours, days, spent in libraries studying, memorizing, frying my brain so that I can remember for exams I know I will fail. The amount of hope I have lost, and faith I have lost, in myself has increased significantly in the past 9-10 months. There is no easy way of telling your parents, "hey, I think I'm depressed and undriven and should probably talk to someone about this". Not when they send positive encouragements and acknowledgements everyday, calling to tell you how they defend you to extended family members.
"They all think it's a waste of money to send you here, but I know you can do it. You will get in and prove them all wrong!" No, mom, I won't. I talked to the advisor and she said I should consider other majors because my chances are getting slimmer. I'm wasting your money and you are going to be so dissappointed and angry when you realize you have invested in a failure.
"You are doing so well spending all your time studying! You balance your life so well, making time for activities and traveling with friends." No, dad, I don't. I've picked up a drinking habit because I can't stand to think of the disappointment I've become and that you have yet to discover while I'm sober. Oh and all those hours were for nothing because my brain isn't as smart as we thought, I'm not doing well in my classes, you don't understand. You encourage me to travel, but I hate spending money that isn't mine, but I'll go anyways because I have this deep-rooted urge in me to escape and run away often.
"Look at you, getting asked on dates and breaking hearts of boys left and right!" No, family, I can't. I can't make myself vulnerable enough to commit myself to another person. I've built my walls so high that I can't express how I really feel, I can't trust a guy enough to tell him what I've been through, I can't be myself around them because of the years I spent trying to please everyone and act the way I thought everyone needed me to be. I don't know how to love another person, because I can't fathom how anyone could possibly love me.
My life is falling to pieces as I stretch myself to hold together the cracks. I'm trying to maintain the happy, grateful, exciting, successful life that I report back home, but in turn my GPA is dropping as fast as my happiness. I love my school, I truly do, but I don't know if I love what it encourages and supports or who it has molded me into becoming.
Before coming to college, I didn't drink. I never imagined myself being Greek affiliated. Or letting a group of college fraternity boys tell me who I should support in my community for the sake of maintaining a good reputation. Or associating myself with people who half drink themselves to death every weekend for the sake of a good time. Or those who do it daily. Or becoming one.
I'm at a loss for what to do. I've cried. I've researched. I've prayed. I've begged any form of heavenly forces to send some positivity or direction. I've received no guidance. Right now I'm on a fast track to failure and I have a heavy fear that I will have too many witnesses in the stands to watch me burn. I sometimes want to quit. At school. At trying. At life.
Things are not how I imagined them to be, and I don't know what I could have done to change them. Or maybe I do and that is what is killing me the most. But instead I will go on:
Smiling with a grimace. Eyes bright with tears. Weak hands. Slumped outlook. One foot in front of the other.
